up up up and...

Right back up there again. Yesterday was a great day - it overflowed with of everything I wanted and needed. I think that feeling I had yesterday was just little negatroll trying to keep me from climbing the bridge. Good thing I ignored it and kept on trudging. This morning I feel recharged, calm and excited that I'm on the right track. I just can't get over how fast and clear things are unveiling themselves to me.

Time

Is it just me? After a couple of days the excitement of something fades for me. I almost completely forget. It sucks. Today is the day I was so excited about and now after a few days it seems as though the things around me have sucked all the gittiness out of me and I could [almost] care less if I went. I'm not canceling because I remember how good I felt when I decided to go, but I just don't feel it right now. Ridiculous. I wish I could always be on that energy high. I would accomplish so much more.

Welcome to the first day of the rest of my life.

Something hit me pretty hard these last few days and I know exactly what it was. This thing has been following me around for a quite some time now and I think that today I was finally ready to let it hit me right in the mind!

You see, I was given an amazing gift of creativity - something that is ingrained in me right down to the stubble on my legs and in the very marrow of my bones. Even the smell of my sweat in this heat wreaks of it. Unfortunately up until this point I have committed the ultimate sin. I've ignored this precious gift and done absolutely nothing with it. I guess not completely as I have always maintained some sort of creative position in any career I have held and if it wasn't in the job description, I somehow managed to make sure I added it along the way - subconsciously or not. But these fleeting little outlets just haven't cut it for my soul. This thing inside me needs some deepness, some love. I know this because I have gotten to the point now that I feel as though I can't survive much longer without doing something about it. It's almost like this beautiful and magical thing has some kind of expiry date and that if it isn't used by a certain time, it becomes a complete opposite and grabs your ankles, pulls you under the bed and eats you up! When this happens I imagine that you just don't exist anymore.

The graphic design, web design, marketing and business development among other half-assed attempts at being creative through employment or entrepreneurial misadventures during the past 15 years or so just aren't sustaining my subconscious need for something more. Shit - I sound like a drug addict looking for the next ultimate high. I just need more OK? Since my daughter was born 9 months ago, this terrible feeling that I'm going to explode has been getting worse by the day. It feels awful! I'm sure this is some sort of mid-life, redefining-after-you-give-birth-to-another-life, who-the-hell-are-you-thing that rears its ugly head to lost of people in one way shape or form. All I know is that I just feel like I've hit my "rock-bottom" (to keep the theme of the addict going) and it's time to pull myself outta dis funk!

So....as I sit here trying to explain all this and review the last few days, a certain theme comes to mind. Something someone said to me yesterday and many times in the past from many different people...I had a few significant taps on my shoulder. Funny how things are so 20/20 in retrospect. Perhaps these recent taps were more than little taps - I have a funny feeling I've really become ignorant and deaf to those little whispers over the years - perhaps these recent ones were huge thunderous smashes on the door! Whatever, the important part here is that I heard them this time and after the last tap today I am SO ready and SO f'n EXCITED!

Today I started on a new journey and this blog will mark the beginning of this realization and successes and failures along the way. I have made a new promise to myself and I hope that this blog will serve as a sort of an evolving contract, personal mantra and lessons learned. I intend to start keeping these things here so I don't forget them and I can keep reminding myself of the things that make me who I am and where I'm going. I think Steven Covey came up with the concept of your True North. This will be just that, my compass.

• There's no easy or fast way to get where you're going if you're going in the right direction. Just START. Start SOMEWHERE. ANYWHERE.
• Paradigm shifts are important. They keep you in check and open to where you're going, what you're supposed to see, hear and smell and most importantly feel along the way.
• There's a reason for everything that has led me to this point and I don't have any regrets.
• LIVE LOVE LAUGH
• The people you love could be gone tomorrow.
• "Being 'busy' is just an excuse for not doing what you're supposed to be doing." - thanks Victoria!
• We sit in a reality that we believe to be true, until we allow our imaginations to visualize something different." - Janet L Whitehead

That monster that is lurking is going to be fed and nursed back to that shining beautiful thing I remember so well. No more procrastinating. No more excuses. Most importantly, I will face my ridiculous fears and and using them to make me more powerful and live up to my best hopes for myself. Funny, I remember in my early 20s I used to preach the fear thing like I knew what I was talking about [idiot] now I find myself exactly where I thought I would never go. I was so naive.

I promise to do this for myself, but in the end I will leave my daughter with her own sense of power and balance in herself though my example to her. I get it now. It's always what my own parents ever wanted for me. Funny how it all comes around full circle. It's so clear now.